Behind.

I feel really behind in school already. Maybe that's because I missed a day of classes for my grandma's funeral and then we had two snow days in a row. Or maybe it's because my classes are A LOT harder than last semester and I'm just used to breezing through things. Or maybe I studied more last semester and I've been spending more time goofing off and not studying or doing my homework. Whatever it is, I'm behind. And I don't like it. I feel like I can never catch up. Like I'm just drowning in behind-ness. I don't know.

Superbowl

Today was the first Superbowl in ... four years? where I was not at Zachary Horst's house surrounded by people I know. Instead, Jon and I went to our friend Ethan's house. There were maybe ten people there. I knew four or five of them (two of them I've never really talked to before. We're just at Ethan's house so much that I'm around them often). We actually WATCHED the game. Well, I spent most of my time absentmindedly staring at the TV while lost in thought. I actually saw and processed only one touchdown of the game. Everything else I don't really remember seeing.

This was the weirdest superbowl ever.

Shock.

I hate being shocked. I don't mean physically. I mean emotionally. I mean mentally.

I hate finding out that people are changing. I can handle seeing someone change gradually. But it's so hard to handle when it all comes at you at once and you suddenly realize they aren't who they used to be. It's hard to grasp that things will never be the same. It's hard to accept that things are no longer how they once were and it can never go back.

I don't like growing up. I don't like what it brings.

I Love To Dance!

The Band Banquet for the Pride was last Saturday. Unfortunately, the weather caused the banquet to be cancelled. BUT school was cancelled Thursday and Friday! Woohoo!

So I was pretty bummed out that I was missing a chance to get dressed up and pretty and go to a nice event. And then told me the Engineers' Winter Ball is on Friday! That only gave me about five days to decide on a dress to wear. Oh, men, when will you ever learn that girls need AT LEAST two weeks to prepare for a dance/banquet?

So now Jon and I, our best-friends-to-be Ethan and Kaylie (and by best-friends-to-be I mean they will soon be Jon and mine's best friends. They're already dating), and Amy (roommate) and Taylor (her bf) are all going to the Ball! (It took some effort to convince Amy to go. But I'm excited she is!) I didn't really have a nice dress, so I borrowed one of Laney's, but it doesn't fit exactly right. So Amy and I (Amy doesn't have a dress, either) went to Target and Kohl's today to go Valentine's Day shopping, get an application to Kohl's (they aren't hiring. Bummer.) and possibly look at dresses. But as we pull up to Kohls we decide that we really don't feel like trying on any clothes. So we walk into the store and all these cute dresses are staring us in the face. So naturally, I try them on. THEY FIT ME PERFECTLY!!! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! So I bought one. IT'S SO HOTTTT!! I am so excited! I can't wait to dance!

Letters

Today I was reading an article (many of you do not know that I have a guilty pleasure type of obsession with shine.yahoo.com. In my spare time, I read articles about everything there is. It's how I keep up with life.) about a woman who has a child with Tourette's. This woman is actually one of the writers of the weekly love articles (I think), but she started talking about how more often than not, when women have their first child, the husbands get pushed aside. This isn't the point of my story though. She mentioned briefly that she has kept a journal of letters that she wrote to her child before he was born. Just letters about how she's going to love him no matter what he turns out to be and stuff like that. It inspired me.

I really enjoy writing letters to Jon and mailing them to him even though we only live a few minutes away now. I guess that's the hopeless romantic in me. I'm a sucker for old-fashioned things. Anyways, today I decided to write a letter to my future child (IMPORTANT NOTE: I am NOT pregnant. Nor will I be until I'm married. I don't want any drama/confusion/rumors spread haha). It felt really odd, but at the same time, I can just imagine him/her reading it when they're older. Or having his/her father read it to them when they're a few years old. Or if (hopefully not, though) something were to happen to me in child birth and early in their life, I want them to know that I looked forward to being their mom so much. I basically said in the letter that I'm 19 years old right now, and even though starting a family is quite a while away, I want them to know that I think about them a lot and look forward to my future with them and that I'll always love them no matter who they are, where they live, or how old they are (because they'll always be my baby). And I've decided I'm going to this quite a bit. I don't mean write a letter every day, but maybe once a year. And I was very careful not to say anything that could make them think that I was hoping for a girl for my first child (in case it's a boy), or anything about a father (since I don't know who that will be), or anything about how I hope their future will be (ex: I hope we'll be rich so I can give you everything you need and more.) because I don't want it to seem like I couldn't provide for them if the future didn't turn out that way. Mostly I just talked about how I want them to be happy and that's my goal in life. To provide my kids with what they need to be successful and happy to the best of my ability.

I know that might be weird, but I really hope it'll mean a lot to my future kid. I hope it's something they'll treasure forever.