i've been reflecting a lot lately. just kind of about who i've become and how i've changed. and i can't really say that i like it. and i don't know why i'm going to get all personal on a blog, but i don't know. it's easier for me to type things and share them than to say them out loud. or write it in a journal. i'm not patient to write in a journal, and i'm not brave enough to say it out loud. so here goes, world wide web, here's my reflection of me.

i've changed. and i don't like it. i'm turning into the wrong person. i want to fix it. but i don't know how. 

my emotions have gotten out of control. what happened to the girl that was always happy? the girl who had control of her temper? the girl who cared for others before herself? lately i've been letting really small, stupid things upset me. and i don't know why. i get angry at people way more often. it's harder for me to let go of the anger that i feel towards someone for doing something as simple as cutting me off while i'm driving. i don't understand. and i've been quite the crier this year. i used to never cry. i had no reason to cry. i was tough. i handled things. i let go. i got over it within minutes. now i just dwell and let my emotions fester inside of me and eat me up and then i just explode and usually at the people i love the most. and then i get upset about hurting them and dwell on that and then beat myself up about it. why can't i just be happy again? why do i feel like when i smile i'm just putting on a show for the benefit of others? why do i say "i forgive" when really, i haven't, and i'm still angry?

"when it comes to gossip, I think it's better to have rocks thrown at you then to join in with the people that are throwing them." i read that and it just hit me, i haven't necessarily been gossiping, but i haven't been stopping it. so by not stopping the knife in someone else's hands, i'm allowing it to be stabbed into the back of someone that i might not know, but that i should still care for because they're a person too and God loves them the same as He loves me.

i've been so complacent, lately. i've been searching for a feeling. i've been waiting to FEEL like i'm right with God. because that's all i've ever known is a feeling. but my relationship with God is so much more than a feeling. it's... i can't even describe it. or, that's how it should be at least. lately it feels kind of non existent. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm doubting i'm a christian. i remember the night that i trusted the Lord completely and gave over my life to Him better than any other night of my life. My heart was in it 150%. but Satan's just been pulling at my mind. he's been telling me what i should be as a Christian, and i've been believing him. i was reading a blog and i thought "wow, that's exactly what's happening in my life." i'm listening to Satan and letting him convince me that i'm not a good enough christian because i don't know all of this Bible trivia, because i haven't been a Christian as long as my friends have, because i don't feel "on fire 4 God" like i used to. i'm in a dry spot and i have been for a while. God's been here the whole time, though. i'm just failing to see Him. i've been blind to what's been right in front of me. i want to feel His presence again. i want to see God, feel His arms around me. i want Him to "unveil my eyes so i can see His glory."

or maybe i'm just wanting to want Him. maybe my heart's not in it. but does it matter if my heart's not in it? should i still search and seek and ask even if i feel it's a lie? 

my biggest struggle of all is being content. i hate it. i don't feel like i've been bad. i'm okay with the way i've been living my life. i don't feel the need for change. i know i need it. but i wouldn't mind not changing. but as jeremy as said, i am NOT okay. i NEED to change. i can't just become static.  i want to flow with the change i need and not try to dam it up and let myself become stagnant. i need God to change my heart, but i can't just wait for God to do it and do nothing while i wait. i know i need to take action. but i don't feel like my heart's in the right place.

what's happened to me?

I don't know how I should feel.

I'm so ready to get out of this house. Only eight more months until I can leave for college.

But at the same time, I'm not ready at all. I don't want to leave my parents. I'm going to miss them so much. I don't appreciate them enough. I wasted eighteen years to show them how much I love them, and now I only have eight months left to do it in person. It's not enough time. I would actually probably consider community college for a year or two if my siblings weren't as frustrating as heck. If I got along with Morgan better, I would probably stay. But being around her just makes me more anxious to leave. But it's not fair for my parents for me to be so antsy to get out just because my sister is a jerk. 

Today after my last Christmas concert, I was talking to Dad and said something like "Don't worry, in eight months I'll be in college" and he said "No, it's not eight months" and I counted it out for him. And it looked like he teared up just the SLIGHTEST bit and said "That's too soon." I wanted to cry right then. It IS too soon. He keeps trying to push community college on me and I thought it was strictly for money, but maybe he's just not ready to give up his baby girl. He spent so much of my life not at home. What if he's regretting it? 

Eight months is too soon, but then again it can't come fast enough.

I feel like I'm being torn apart. 

I'm not ready for things to change.

But at the same time, I am ready to experience a new part of my life.

i naturally try to think the best of people until they give me a reason not to. i almost always give people the benefit of the doubt upon meeting them.

so is it wrong to think less of somebody when i learn that they make poor choices, such as participate in drinking and doing drugs? especially if i learn this months after meeting them and they never gave any hint about doing that stuff before? is it being "judgmental" if i get upset and lose respect for them after they TOLD me that they aren't coming to my party because they don't have fun at parties unless they're high or drunk? am i at fault?

sigh. i hate being disappointed.

I was reading some semi-recent blogs on Stuff Christians Like, and I thought he had a very interesting take on something that I have always considered one of my greatest struggles. I have a very active mind. It is hard for me to keep one train of thought going for more than a few second. And this is especially true during my prayers. I start praying about one thing and before I can get more than five words out, I'm reminded of something else I want to pray about, and then I think of something else and so on until I am so distracted that I don't really feel like I'm in prayer anymore, but I'm just thinking about things.

#442. Teaching yourself to breathe underwater.

For the last three months, I've been really deliberate about using my morning commute as a time of worship. I'll pray, talk with God, sit quietly or listen to some music. It's kind of a pre-game for the Bible study I start my day with once I get to work.

The problem is that other thoughts keep coming into this "God time." I get distracted so easily that unless I'm really focused on God, I start thinking about Stuff Christians Like. I start thinking about the book I'm writing or my 'to do list' for the day ahead or friends I need to call or a million other things.

And I get really frustrated when that happens. I can't seem to hold a thought for more than a second. I've perverted the truth of Bible verses that talk about taking your thoughts captive and created a soundtrack of condemnation that plays whenever I get off track with God, "Stupid brain, this is God time. Not Stuff Christians Like time or worry about work time or think about things you did with the family over the weekend time. God time. Focus Jon. Focus." And I imagine God echoing those thoughts with His own disappointment with my ability to keep His time purely about Him.

But I few weeks ago, after a morning of feeling like I had blown the sanctity of the commute with God again, I started to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I listened closely to God, He wouldn't berate me for not being able to focus, maybe instead He would say:

"Why do you keep trying to tame the mind I gave you? Why do you keep trying to restrain the heart and soul I placed inside you? Why? Why? Why? You are practicing this weird kind of self-renewal. It's like your heart is the ocean and you're terrified of drowning. And instead of seeing the ocean as a beautiful, untamed place, you're trying to control it by teaching yourself how to breathe underwater. Forget that. I want you to surf. I want you to big wave surf. Not just because it's impossible to breathe underwater and trying will eventually kill you, but because surfing is fun.

So let your thoughts overlap. Know that I am a God of joy. Big, messy, sloppy joy. Do I have boundaries for you? Without a doubt, but they're only there because discipline is a sign of love and I want you to experience the most joy possible. I don't want you surfing at the beaches with all the sharks. It's dangerous and those waves stink anyway. So let your mind wander. Stop limiting your creativity. Stop forcing me to be the God of rules and disappointment in your head.

That's what happened this morning, isn't it? You've labeled the morning commute as 'God time' so when you catch yourself thinking about Stuff Christians Like or work or other things, you berate yourself and say, I’m sorry God. I'm so sorry I have such a scattered mind. I hate the way my mind works. I wish it was one track.'

Well it's not. I didn't create you that way. I put a train yard in your head. A thousand tracks intersecting. Let me be the one to sort those out. But don't beat yourself up for bringing other parts of your life into your 'God time.' I have a secret, that's exactly what I want. I want all of your life. I love when you bring other parts in. Overlap, come to me with everything. Let me saturate your every day and your every thought."

Ultimately, the thought I walked away from that idea with is pretty simple, "I don't want ‘God time’ to be part of my day. I want God to be my day." But what a rambling mix of metaphors I had to go through to get to that. Surfing and trains, and sharks and overlapping thoughts. But that's how God made me.

I'm messy and even though you're different than me, I bet you're messy too. So let's stop trying to regulate our lives for God and instead embrace what God has planned for them. As chaotic and as sloppy and as unplanned and unexplainably joyful as that might feel sometimes.