i've been reflecting a lot lately. just kind of about who i've become and how i've changed. and i can't really say that i like it. and i don't know why i'm going to get all personal on a blog, but i don't know. it's easier for me to type things and share them than to say them out loud. or write it in a journal. i'm not patient to write in a journal, and i'm not brave enough to say it out loud. so here goes, world wide web, here's my reflection of me.

i've changed. and i don't like it. i'm turning into the wrong person. i want to fix it. but i don't know how. 

my emotions have gotten out of control. what happened to the girl that was always happy? the girl who had control of her temper? the girl who cared for others before herself? lately i've been letting really small, stupid things upset me. and i don't know why. i get angry at people way more often. it's harder for me to let go of the anger that i feel towards someone for doing something as simple as cutting me off while i'm driving. i don't understand. and i've been quite the crier this year. i used to never cry. i had no reason to cry. i was tough. i handled things. i let go. i got over it within minutes. now i just dwell and let my emotions fester inside of me and eat me up and then i just explode and usually at the people i love the most. and then i get upset about hurting them and dwell on that and then beat myself up about it. why can't i just be happy again? why do i feel like when i smile i'm just putting on a show for the benefit of others? why do i say "i forgive" when really, i haven't, and i'm still angry?

"when it comes to gossip, I think it's better to have rocks thrown at you then to join in with the people that are throwing them." i read that and it just hit me, i haven't necessarily been gossiping, but i haven't been stopping it. so by not stopping the knife in someone else's hands, i'm allowing it to be stabbed into the back of someone that i might not know, but that i should still care for because they're a person too and God loves them the same as He loves me.

i've been so complacent, lately. i've been searching for a feeling. i've been waiting to FEEL like i'm right with God. because that's all i've ever known is a feeling. but my relationship with God is so much more than a feeling. it's... i can't even describe it. or, that's how it should be at least. lately it feels kind of non existent. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm doubting i'm a christian. i remember the night that i trusted the Lord completely and gave over my life to Him better than any other night of my life. My heart was in it 150%. but Satan's just been pulling at my mind. he's been telling me what i should be as a Christian, and i've been believing him. i was reading a blog and i thought "wow, that's exactly what's happening in my life." i'm listening to Satan and letting him convince me that i'm not a good enough christian because i don't know all of this Bible trivia, because i haven't been a Christian as long as my friends have, because i don't feel "on fire 4 God" like i used to. i'm in a dry spot and i have been for a while. God's been here the whole time, though. i'm just failing to see Him. i've been blind to what's been right in front of me. i want to feel His presence again. i want to see God, feel His arms around me. i want Him to "unveil my eyes so i can see His glory."

or maybe i'm just wanting to want Him. maybe my heart's not in it. but does it matter if my heart's not in it? should i still search and seek and ask even if i feel it's a lie? 

my biggest struggle of all is being content. i hate it. i don't feel like i've been bad. i'm okay with the way i've been living my life. i don't feel the need for change. i know i need it. but i wouldn't mind not changing. but as jeremy as said, i am NOT okay. i NEED to change. i can't just become static.  i want to flow with the change i need and not try to dam it up and let myself become stagnant. i need God to change my heart, but i can't just wait for God to do it and do nothing while i wait. i know i need to take action. but i don't feel like my heart's in the right place.

what's happened to me?

I don't know how I should feel.

I'm so ready to get out of this house. Only eight more months until I can leave for college.

But at the same time, I'm not ready at all. I don't want to leave my parents. I'm going to miss them so much. I don't appreciate them enough. I wasted eighteen years to show them how much I love them, and now I only have eight months left to do it in person. It's not enough time. I would actually probably consider community college for a year or two if my siblings weren't as frustrating as heck. If I got along with Morgan better, I would probably stay. But being around her just makes me more anxious to leave. But it's not fair for my parents for me to be so antsy to get out just because my sister is a jerk. 

Today after my last Christmas concert, I was talking to Dad and said something like "Don't worry, in eight months I'll be in college" and he said "No, it's not eight months" and I counted it out for him. And it looked like he teared up just the SLIGHTEST bit and said "That's too soon." I wanted to cry right then. It IS too soon. He keeps trying to push community college on me and I thought it was strictly for money, but maybe he's just not ready to give up his baby girl. He spent so much of my life not at home. What if he's regretting it? 

Eight months is too soon, but then again it can't come fast enough.

I feel like I'm being torn apart. 

I'm not ready for things to change.

But at the same time, I am ready to experience a new part of my life.

i naturally try to think the best of people until they give me a reason not to. i almost always give people the benefit of the doubt upon meeting them.

so is it wrong to think less of somebody when i learn that they make poor choices, such as participate in drinking and doing drugs? especially if i learn this months after meeting them and they never gave any hint about doing that stuff before? is it being "judgmental" if i get upset and lose respect for them after they TOLD me that they aren't coming to my party because they don't have fun at parties unless they're high or drunk? am i at fault?

sigh. i hate being disappointed.

I was reading some semi-recent blogs on Stuff Christians Like, and I thought he had a very interesting take on something that I have always considered one of my greatest struggles. I have a very active mind. It is hard for me to keep one train of thought going for more than a few second. And this is especially true during my prayers. I start praying about one thing and before I can get more than five words out, I'm reminded of something else I want to pray about, and then I think of something else and so on until I am so distracted that I don't really feel like I'm in prayer anymore, but I'm just thinking about things.

#442. Teaching yourself to breathe underwater.

For the last three months, I've been really deliberate about using my morning commute as a time of worship. I'll pray, talk with God, sit quietly or listen to some music. It's kind of a pre-game for the Bible study I start my day with once I get to work.

The problem is that other thoughts keep coming into this "God time." I get distracted so easily that unless I'm really focused on God, I start thinking about Stuff Christians Like. I start thinking about the book I'm writing or my 'to do list' for the day ahead or friends I need to call or a million other things.

And I get really frustrated when that happens. I can't seem to hold a thought for more than a second. I've perverted the truth of Bible verses that talk about taking your thoughts captive and created a soundtrack of condemnation that plays whenever I get off track with God, "Stupid brain, this is God time. Not Stuff Christians Like time or worry about work time or think about things you did with the family over the weekend time. God time. Focus Jon. Focus." And I imagine God echoing those thoughts with His own disappointment with my ability to keep His time purely about Him.

But I few weeks ago, after a morning of feeling like I had blown the sanctity of the commute with God again, I started to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I listened closely to God, He wouldn't berate me for not being able to focus, maybe instead He would say:

"Why do you keep trying to tame the mind I gave you? Why do you keep trying to restrain the heart and soul I placed inside you? Why? Why? Why? You are practicing this weird kind of self-renewal. It's like your heart is the ocean and you're terrified of drowning. And instead of seeing the ocean as a beautiful, untamed place, you're trying to control it by teaching yourself how to breathe underwater. Forget that. I want you to surf. I want you to big wave surf. Not just because it's impossible to breathe underwater and trying will eventually kill you, but because surfing is fun.

So let your thoughts overlap. Know that I am a God of joy. Big, messy, sloppy joy. Do I have boundaries for you? Without a doubt, but they're only there because discipline is a sign of love and I want you to experience the most joy possible. I don't want you surfing at the beaches with all the sharks. It's dangerous and those waves stink anyway. So let your mind wander. Stop limiting your creativity. Stop forcing me to be the God of rules and disappointment in your head.

That's what happened this morning, isn't it? You've labeled the morning commute as 'God time' so when you catch yourself thinking about Stuff Christians Like or work or other things, you berate yourself and say, I’m sorry God. I'm so sorry I have such a scattered mind. I hate the way my mind works. I wish it was one track.'

Well it's not. I didn't create you that way. I put a train yard in your head. A thousand tracks intersecting. Let me be the one to sort those out. But don't beat yourself up for bringing other parts of your life into your 'God time.' I have a secret, that's exactly what I want. I want all of your life. I love when you bring other parts in. Overlap, come to me with everything. Let me saturate your every day and your every thought."

Ultimately, the thought I walked away from that idea with is pretty simple, "I don't want ‘God time’ to be part of my day. I want God to be my day." But what a rambling mix of metaphors I had to go through to get to that. Surfing and trains, and sharks and overlapping thoughts. But that's how God made me.

I'm messy and even though you're different than me, I bet you're messy too. So let's stop trying to regulate our lives for God and instead embrace what God has planned for them. As chaotic and as sloppy and as unplanned and unexplainably joyful as that might feel sometimes.

Ian, this is for you.

Thanksgiving was cool. I ate turkey.

I got a MacBook for my birthday. I love it.

My MacBook has a webcam, so I've been talking to Jon on it fairly often. Which is very exciting because I get to see his face. But he's worn the same shirt three times since we've started doing this. And it's really funny.

I hope this satisfies you, Ian.

Scholarships

OBU: $7000. per semester/year/one time only? i don't know. based off of SAT scores

OU: $3500 per year. automatic. based off of SATs scores. 

BAYLOR: $44000 (or $11000 per year). based off of academic achievement and extracurricular activities.

I don't know what the tuition for OBU is. 

But I do know that even with the scholarship from Baylor, OU is currently the cheapest :) hopefully it stays that way.

I know it's been a while since my last update. I've been really busy. So I guess I'll just briefly say all the new stuff that's happened in my life lately.

• I have been accepted to LSU, Baylor, and OBU. And OBU is offering me $7000 (I don't know if that's per year though.. I'll have to find out) because of my SAT score alone. I'm still waiting on OU's acceptance letter though.
• I took the SAT at the beginning of November and I checked my score yesterday. By some miracle, my score is a 2010! I have no idea how that happened, especially because my WRITING score (which has always been my worst) was a 720! so my composite is a 1290.
• Because my composite is a 1290, OU will offer me $14,000 in scholarships to be distributed between the four years of school automatically. It's not much, but it's a start!
• I made 2nd chair at region orchestra. Normally, I wouldn't be proud about this because (and I don't mean to sound cocky... but if you were in the audition room you would understand) I am fully capable of making first chair. I made first chair last year. But 2nd chair is great because I hadn't practiced by region music in about a month, and I was playing on a reed that I got in July. 
• My birthday was on Wednesday! And I LOVE my mother. She made it the best birthday ever. I'll explain in more detail if you want to know, but it's a lot more effective in person. But basically she left a birthday gift in each of my classes. And I had decided to make this birthday a really... emotional one. hahaha. I cried four times during school because of the gifts. Then after school, my dad took me computer shopping! And I am now typing up this blog on my brand new MacBook! It's exciting. And after that I went to Pappasito's with my family. And sadly, the food was a disappointment. But it's okay. OH and my mom also got me Season One and Season Three of The Office. So that's how I'm planning on spending my time over Thanksgiving break. ;)

I can't really think of anything else that's been going on. If I think of more//have time I'll post later!

little update

so i might my other PAL today. he is the cutest little boy ever. he's the complete opposite of Carrington, my PAL from lamkin. he's really talkative and goes off on random tangents about his dogs when i ask him questions and he ALWAYS smiles. and he's in second grade. oh and his name is Jayce. he's absolutely adorable. we're going to be very best friends. and he's an only child and he told me sometimes he likes to pretend that his dogs are his brothers and sisters. and he said he has two pittbulls too!! that made me really excited. hahah. i love PALs so much. it's the only thing i look forward to at school.

on a different note, this week has been really good. monday i was really really stressed out about everything i had to do this week. but God totally calmed me down and i started looking at things a little bit more rationally. it's amazing what God does. i can't get over it.

• so tomorrow i have a calculus test. i kind of feel like i'm at that point where i can't really study, i can only practice how to do it to drill it into my head, although i already know how to do it. hopefully that goes well. i'm a little nervous because i don't know what i made on my last test. and i know it shouldn't matter, but i like knowing whether i need to try hard or not. haha
• and my computer science project was originally due on wednesday but the deadline was pushed back until tomorrow at the end of the period. definitely a HUGE blessing because it took me a few days to figure out how to do everything.
• i have to finish reading book one of 1984 tonight. i have trouble keeping focus in that book. i think i was asleep when i read half of it. hahah.
• there's this big 10,000 dollar scholarship that i'm applying for and it's all due next saturday. i still have to write an essay, record an audition (it's a music scholarship. it's really tight. i can use it for tuition OR for buying a bassoon), get teacher recommendations, send a transcript and all that jazz. i'm not sure if i'll have it done in time. but the good thing is if i don't make the november 1 deadline, there's a january 1 deadline. but they encourage seniors to apply by november. but we'll just see how that goes.
• my OU application is finally done! thanks to my mom, jon, and mrs kessler for revising and editing my scholarship essays. i really couldn't have gotten through it all without them. i'm horrible with words.
• area marching band competition on saturday. i kind of hope we make it to finals, and i kind of don't really care. and i kind of hope we make it to state, but at the same time i don't because i don't want to miss a day of school. but we'll see how that works out. i'm kind of excited. bassoon solo! yay!

and the best part of my week:

JON COMES HOME TOMORROW!
and he's coming to the football game and we're leaving after half-time and hanging out :)
i'm so excited. but i don't want the weekend to end. because once he leaves, i won't see him again until christmas. which means he won't be here for my birthday. but i don't like to think about that. so yay i get to seehim tomorrow!

so yeah.. that's my little update thing on my life. haha

PALs

Today my PALs class went to Lamkin to meet our little PALees! It was the best experience I've had all year so far. We left the school on the bus and I was soooooooo excited. I could barely sit in my seat. And then we got to Lamkin and we all had to sit in the library and wait for the kiddos to come. And while we were waiting we looked at the list that had the name of our little PAL on it. Then the kids came and sat down and they're so little! i mean, they're third graders, but still. I forget how small children actually are because I spend most of my time around high schoolers and junior highers. Then the big PALs went outside and waited while Kobal talked to the little ones, I guess. And we were all sooooooooo excited. It was great. All the energy and positivity was just.. exciting. And then the babies came outside and we cheered for them and then Kobal paired us up. And my kid is a little black girl named Carrington. She is soooooooo sweet. She was really really really shy at first. But then she opened up a lot. Our assignment today was to talk about our favorite things. So I asked her questions and she answered them and then she would start asking me questions, too! It was sooooo cute. One of the questions she asked was "Are you in 11th grade?" and i said "No, I'm in 12th grade," and she made this face that was so shocked like "WOAH YOU'RE OLD!" hahaha. And then when we were leaving, I turned to her and said "You rock!" and she said "You rock, too!" and it was amazing. I gave her a high five and walked over to where the Big PALs were meeting and turned around and she was waving at me. It was the best feeling in the world.

i'm so excited to see how God is going to use me in this little girl's life.

college!

so, i know i said i would post about the college trip later, but i'm thinking i won't. haha i'm too lazy. if you really want to know, just ask me :)

anyways i'll update ya'll on the college thing. so the only school i've actually applied to is OBU and i'm not really interested in going there. that was just out of boredom from the hurricane haha. same thing with Baylor. i'll probably finish the Baylor one this week though just so i'll have an in-state school in the midst of my options. so other than that, i still need to finish my application for LSU and OU and start the one for CU. there's just like a few things on the LSU/OU app that just stump me. like how can i diversify the university? I CAN'T!! i'm a white girl. nothing diverse about me. i wish i was more in tune with my italian heritage so i could be diverse. haha. so yeah i just have to figure that out and then i'm done with OU. and then LSU... i don't remember why i didn't finish. but oh well. but yeah. after visiting OU these past two weekends and comparing it to other colleges, it is definitely my first choice. like.. i'm only applying to CU because my mom REALLY wants to me to go to school in colorado. i'm not sure why, but she always has. hahah. but that means i have to write those stupid essays JUST for that application. gay. and i don't really want to go to LSU because it's dangerous. hahah. and because.. it just didn't really appeal to me as much as CU and OU did. but i'm still applying because i don't have to write essays and to see how much scholarship money they offer me. they basically already told me i would get a full-ride because i'm from texas. so we'll see if that happens. but yeah i'm going to go rory gilmore on you. here's a pro/con list so i can show you how awesome OU is.

UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO
PROS
the campus is absolutely beautiful. the elementary music education program is really really strong . i'm pretty much guaranteed a job in colorado as soon as i graduate.
CONS
it's known as a party school. tuition for out-of-state is WAY UBER expensive. like.. it hurts me to think of how much it would cost. one year of marching band is required. and i really don't like the bassoon teacher. at all. he scares me and i think he's prejudiced against people from texas. no lie. haha. and it's really far from home. a 16 hour drive. sigh. that's just too far. and boulder is an expensive city to live in.
Louisiana State University
PROS
no marching band required. only like a four hour drive i think? i could very possibly not have to pay for tuition.
CONS
HURRICANES! haha. i don't want to deal with those for a while. the dorm rooms pretty much suck. and i just can't really see myself living there.

UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA!!
PROS
i don't even know where to begin. the campus is SOOOO beautiful. and the town is just amazingly cute and old fashioned. the band is really good and the band directors are really nice and funny and like me. and the bassoon teacher is AMAZING. i could totally see myself being his student. he's so funny and unique and quite a talker. and he really really cares about his students and is really passionate about them. ANDDD i found out yesterday that i don't have to do marching band!!! which is really very exciting. and i was talking to the bassoon teacher and he basically told me that he would make sure that i get scholarship money. they love me there. and i love it there too! i can definitely see myself going there. like.. no other school compares. i can't even think of any CONS. sigh. i really hope it works out that i go there. although, i'm trying to not to make up my mind right now. because things and plans change. or rather, my plans don't always match up with God's exactly.


so yeah. that's where i stand on college. i'm so ready to be out of high school. you have no idea. i'm so tired of it.

i'll post about the rest of my trip soon, i promise. i was going to do it yesterday, but i was too tired and had too much to do. and right now i'm not really feeling it. but just to give you few cats who actually look at this something to read, i will briefly explained what went down today. in fragments rather than sentences. because i'm in that kind of mood.

last night checked online grades. 68 on calculus test. freak out because studied really hard for it and felt like i really knew the stuff. but that's life. self-esteem down.

regardless, woke up in very good mood because i saw jon yesterday.

got to school very very early for me.

teacher's assistant played with sparkly material with alexa. fun.

gov't started freaking out because test next tuesday. no time to study. gone all weekend and monday. crap. self esteem down.

english got transcript. GPA down, but rank up! no longer #35, but #32. have to work hard to keep GPA up to stay in summa cum laude. self esteem up.

band=gay. hate band. hate hate hate hate. fhgdsafgdsa

calculus really upset about test grade. turns out it was a mistake. grades entered into gradebook wrong. actually got a 96! self-esteem shot up. a lot.

lunch good mood left over from calculus.

PALs forgot song lyrics. doing song tomorrow. nervous. emotions were up and down throughout class.

computer science turns out teacher is martial arts instructor. knew he wasn't really a comp sci teacher. hate class. no idea what to do.

PALS student advisory board meeting. lots of fun. get to hang out with kelly condon and curtis gurka! i'm secretary! self-esteem way up. love PALs

marching band rehearsal. practiced bassoon for an hour. haven't practiced in two weeks. i suck. go outside to play show music for band and rehearse with them. first thing veenstra tells me after i start playing my solo "you really don't sound good at all." really really really really hurt me. all self-esteem and confidence gone. at least in regards to music. double reed section really sucks. neville doesn't pay attention. frustrating. hopefully gets better. wanted to cry the whole time. i hate band. faghdgsafjhldsgafhjdsgfahjldsgafjhdsgfajhlgdf

on a different note, i'm learning more and more to trust God. it's so hard. i want to know exactly what's going to happen in my future. and i've started stressing out about it. but i'm also learning how to just let it go and let God take care of it and it eases a lot of the worry.

Baylor & USAFA

we left yesterday (wednesday) afternoon and set on our adventure to colorado! we weren't planning on stopping at Baylor, but we ended up going through Waco, so we decided to go ahead. And i'm glad we did. before i saw the campus, i didn't think i would like it that much. i think it was just the idea of a private school. but we got there and looked around, and it is definitely a campus i can see myself living at. it's so incredibly pretty. i'm not sure how good the music program is, but cheryl (my lesson teacher) keeps asking me what i think of Baylor, so maybe that's because there's a good bassoon teacher? i don't know, i'll have to talk to her about it at my next lesson.the only problem with baylor, though, is the tuition. i am definitely not going to be able to pay for it. so it's not at the top of my list. but yeah. so we looked at baylor for about two hours with Rachel Lieber, who attends the school, and then we were on our way. we stopped for the night a few hours from amarillo and got this really cheap motel room. we definitely got what we paid for. haha. it had dead light bugs on the floor. and only had a bed and shower. but it's cool. we only needed to sleep, anyways. and then this morning we left around 8:30 and drove the rest of the way to colorado. we cut through the corner of new mexico, so that was really cool. i'd never been to new mexico. anyways, we got to colorado springs around 4ish? and met up with Daniel at the Unites States Air Force Academy. now, just to clear up any confusion this may cause, I AM NOT GOING TO BE IN THE AIR FORCE! haha. i would not last one freaking second. but since we were going to be incolorado, i knew daniel would appreciate a visit since he hasn't left the base/campus in three months so he hasn't seen anybody. it's really pretty there. definitely a lack of oxygen, but surrounded by beautiful mountains. and ironically, the song that came on my "gaypod" when we driving around the perimeter of the base was "Lead of Love." molly will appreciate that. hha. anyways. daniel showed us around. it was so cool getting to see him again and having him tell us everything about the campus. he totally loves it there, and it's totally evident in the way he talks about it. like.. when he would tell us the "traditions" and stuff, it made me excited. i mean, the traditions are totally intense and things you would expect at a military base, but he looks at it not as intense nasty things. but just something that has to be done. and he can't see himself being anywhere else. which is what i'm hoping i will be able to experience wherever i end up going to college. so after he showed us around, me and mom left and drove to boulder. and we got extremely lucky with finding a hotel. the CU vs WVU football game was tonight. and we ended up getting a room at a hotel fairly close to the campus for somewhat cheap compared to other hotel rates here. we got the last room :) so tomorrow we're going to go look at CU and then maybe drive up to fort collins and look at CSU. then drive out to shawnee, oklahoma and see marie! i will post more later!

you can go here for more Baylor pictures

or here for USAFA pictures

Surprises

i never realized how great a guy my dad is. like, i give him such a hard time because he's not the christian father I always wished I had. but really, he is a wonderful person deep down inside. i mostly noticed this today when he was talking about how ridiculous one of his employees is being. and i saw how much he cares about other people and about our family and stuff. my dad provided a generator, wood to board up windows, water, and everything to prepare for this hurricane for his employees. he GAVE it to them so they could keep their families safe. he's still paying his employees for fourty hours this week, even though there's no work to be done and money with the business is extremely tight. he cares about them like they're his own family. and they just don't appreciate it. i can only hope i'll be as lucky as they are when i get a full-time job.

AND, the only reason he puts up with all the crap he gets from his employees is so the job can get done quickly and efficiently so he can be able to pay for us, his real family. he goes through every means necessary to be able to provide us with a home, food, light, comfort, everything. he pretty much gives us everything we want and need. and we don't appreciate him enough.

i may say some horrible stuff about my dad, but don't let that fool you into thinking he's a horrible guy. i'm just a selfish, immature, ignorant young girl. i love my dad. he's wonderful.

on another note, i'm leaving tomorrow morning. me and my mother are going on a very last minute road trip. as of right now, our plans are looking somewhat like this:

wednesday: leave in the morning to drive to colorado. get there sometime wednesday night.

thursday: tin the morning take a tour at University of Colorado at Boulder. finish by the afternoon and drive to colorado springs to visit Daniel Barina at the United States Air Force Academy and have him show us around. (I have no intention at all to go there. but i figured daniel would enjoy the company) then when that is done, drive up to Fort Collins and stay the night.

friday: morning tour at Colorado State University. I don't want to go there, but mom wants to visit. and while we're in colorado, we might as well. finish that by afternoon. this is where the plans get iffy. but we'll just assume we won't be able to stay with a friend this night. so after the tour we drive over to oklahoma and geta hotel for the night.

saturday: i will be in shawnee and spending as much time as possible with Marie Evans. I might get an official tour of the campus if it's available. but yeah.

sunday: if jon's back in norman by then, we'll probably stop in norman to say hey and spend a few hours with him. but if that doesn't happen, i'll be okay because i'll be able to see him in a week and a half!!! and then we'll head home!

i'm so excited. i will take TONS of pictures and upload them all to facebook. you'll feel like you were there :)

updates about colleges i'm applying to:

OU

LSU

Baylor

OBU

(maybe) CU

i really probably won't go to CU because it's too far away. i can handle oklahoma and louisiana. colorado is like a 16 hour drive though. :(

and on ANOTHER note, i found my "homecoming" dress today. simple black dress for 16 bucks that i can pretty much to whatever. formal, casual, that ambiguous thing called "semi-formal" it works for all. i can't wait to wear it on my date with jon :) AND i saw matt mitchell at the mall. we were both waiting in line for taco bell. so we talked up a storm. seriously, i've never talked to him so much in my life. it was exciting. he's really cool. and i hung out with alexa and amanda (we went shopping together) they're really cool too. it was nice seeing friends again hahaha.

anyways this was an obnoxiously long post; i apologize. i will update about the colleges later!

i'm bringing my laptop with me so i can upload pictures/post about each college each day! yay!

So, out of sheer boredom, I have decided to apply to more colleges. I'm not really looking into these colleges seriously, but hey, I might as well, right? And I have nothing better to do in the next two days, so I might as well fill out some applications. I've almost finished my OU application (I just need my official GPA and class rank. DARN YOU, IKE!), my LSU application, and on a total whim, a Baylor application. Cheryl (my bassoon lesson teacher) constantly asks what I think of Baylor, and honestly, I don't really want to go there. But Molly made a good point, the application fee is waived if I apply on-line. AND I don't have to write an essay since I did the essay portion of the SAT. That's another thing I need to get on.. SAT/ACT. I've taken the SAT score once. And I was somewhat happy with my score of 1850... until I realized all of my friends got scores of AT LEAST 1950. So I need to register for that. And for the ACT. sigh. anyways. And I'm about to go look at the UNT application. I really really don't want to go there. But I need more colleges on my list since everytime someone asks where I'm looking I can really only tell them OU because I get a lot of crap about how "dangerous" LSU is. So I really don't want to go there now. But I'll still apply so I can get a good deal of money and use that to bargain with other schools I want to go to.

I say I'm ready for college, but I'm starting to wonder if I really am.

We Like Ike?

i'm not sure how i feel about this "Hurricane Ike"

while i'm excited about not having school and stuff, i'd rather be at school with my friends then stuck at home with my family for three days. my dad has already told me i'm not allowed to go ANYWHERE at all this weekend. so that means all five of us cooped up in this tiny little house fighting for 72 hours straight. woooonderful. at least i can play piano alot to escape. i'm going to print out alot of sheet music online so i can work on that alot. i just have to figure out what to print. i've started working on let it be by the beatles. it's pretty easy. and also, i'll probably finish jon's anniversary gift. i'm really excited about it. i can't wait to give it to him. AND i'll be able to practice bassoon (assuming that my cold will disappear by tomorrow. haha. it's REALLY hard to play bassoon when you're congested. gross.) and i guess i'll work on calculus homework and catch up on some Bible reading and clean my room and all that jazz. hopefully ike turns out like rita. but as of right now, it looks as if it's going to be the exact opposite of it. the news just said we'll be pretty much directly hit. gayyyy.

on a different note, i'm changing my PALs song. i was going to do super trooper and just kind of talk about sophomore year. but during PALs today i decided i wanted to do something more specific and use a song that would actually relate to a memory. so i'm going to do The Girl by City and Colour and talk about Jon and when we went on vacation and i knew that things were going to work out for me and him while he's at OU. and i will probably start crying while talking about it. but hey, what better way to connect with my class then crying, since i never cry in front of people.

i miss jon alot. and i'm really jealous of like marie and ian and kyle because they get to see him this weekend and i can't even go anywhere. i wish i could evacuate to oklahoma.

i can't wait to go to college. i am definitely NOT going to LSU. not after all this stupid hurricane crap. i never want to live somewhere that has to deal with this stuff ever again.

Update

My Eighteenth Birthday: 69 days

PROM: 232 days

Graduation: 268 days

"Homecoming": 16 days

Update

My Eighteenth Birthday: 83 days
PROM: 246 days
Graduation: 282 days
"Homecoming": 29 days

Untitled

why do i even try talking to my dad anymore? it's always a hopeless cause. it always ends up in a fight or with him being disappointed in me or yelling at me for no reason. why do i even bother? i have to walk on eggshells when i'm talking to him and the outcome is NEVER the way i want it to be.

why can't he just be happy with me? why can't he just be proud of me? why does he always have to find something else to nag at me about? i try so hard to make him happy.

maybe it's not his fault. maybe it's my fault. maybe i really am being too selfish and greedy. maybe there isn't anything to be happy with. maybe there isn't anything to proud of. maybe i'm just his defective daughter that never does anything right.

But at least I have my Father in Heaven. He always loves me. No matter what I do wrong.
Thank You, Lord.

Time and Money, Money and Time.

I've been thinking alot lately. And I don't think I'm going to try out for the play at school. It wouldn't be fair to everybody else because I wouldn't be able to at all the rehearsals and I'm doing so many things that I wouldn't be able to be excellent at everything. And if I did do the play, honestly the activity that would suffer and be done poorly is the play. Plus, money situations in my family are really tight right now. So I'm not going to get much support from my dad when it comes time to pay for college. And I don't have much money saved up. So I really need to get a job. What sucks though is the only days I have free are Monday and Saturday. But hopefully next summer I'll be able to get a really good job and it'll make up for this year? I don't know. I'm starting to stress out about everything again. Mostly about college and how it's going to get paid for.

I'm having alot of trouble remembering that all of this is in God's control and that He'll provide for me and trusting Him.

Just For Fun

I'm going to create a countdown. Just to give me something to look forward to.

My Eighteenth Birthday: 94 days

PROM: 257 days

Graduation: 293 days

Those are the things I'm really looking forward to this year.

Besides when Jon comes into town of course. :)

I will see you again

I can tell I'm going to like blogging. haha. it's so... refreshing just talking to no one in particular about my day. Although I would rather just be telling Jon. But you know, whatever works, right?

So I woke up and went to the school to paint the parking space numbers in the Brigade Lot. And I get there are NO other band kids there. And one PALs member. The rest of the kids were brigade girls. omg. Anyways, it turns out Mr. Veenstra had told all the band kids at last night's practice not to come help. Of course, I don't go to the night practices. But oh well. So we had to sweep the parking lot and then put the number stencils down and then there was a paint sprayer machine. It was the most frustrating thing I've ever done. Mostly because me and Sarah Madden were the only ones really getting anything done. All the brigade girls were so incredibly slow. They would carry one stencil at a time or just stand there. But yeah. I got really sunburned even though it was cloudy. Crazy. I sweated alot and had alot of fun with Sarah, at least. OH and I got two blisters from SWEEPING. One of them popped while I was sweeping and I didn't even realize I had a blister until it popped and I felt this burning sensation in my thumb. And the other one's a little baby one on the side of my little knuckle on my ring finger. It's cute. And band was cool I guess. We listend to the H2 Saxophone Quartet. They're pretty much the best sax quartet in the country. It's amazing. I'm pretty sure saxophone is my favorite instrument when it's played in ensembles. I just love the sound of them. Amazing.

On a different note, I am incredibly ready for this year to be over. I'm so ready to move on to a different portion of my life. Things are different this year, but enough the same to make me uncomfortable. That probably doesn't make sense to anybody else. But I want to experience something totally new. I'm so jealous of Jon. Haha.

so there goes my life
passing by with every exit sign
its been so long
sometimes i wonder how i will stay strong
no sleep tonight
i'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
and as the moon fades
ive only got twenty more days
but i will see you again
i will see you again
a long time from now

I can't get it out of my head.

Let The Stress Begin.

I am just now fully realizing everything I am doing this upcoming year. How much I have going on. How little "Taylor-Time" I will really have. And I'm beginning to remember how being overwhelmed with stress feels.

Bobcat Express was today. Nothing too exciting. Parking stickers now cost $50 instead of like $35. My Student Assistant "course" is the same period as Tech Theatre, which is what I wanted. Anyways, this is what my schedule looks like.

1. Teacher's Assistant

2. Gov't AP/Dual

3. English IV AP

4. Band

5. Calculus BC

(Lunch?)

6. PALs

7. Computer Science K

Pretty do-able I guess. A good balance of fun and extremely hard. And I saw Alexa McLatcher. The Queen of Theatre. And the Children's Play this year is The Little Mermaid. Alexa is convinced I am the perfect person to play Ariel. And Mrs. Koern usually let's seniority rule when it comes to lead roles. So the other senior girls are me, Alexa, and Olivia. At least, those are the only ones I can think of. It has always been my dream to be a lead in a play. However, if I can convince Veenstra AND Koern to be a little lenient about my schedule and I make the play, my schedule will be jam packed. I would have Little Mermaid rehearsal from 3-5 everyday. Marching band from roughly 6-9 tuesday and thursday (maybe wednesday?). Then that leaves after 9 for all my ridiculous AP courses. So when is there time to practice bassoon, which is my main goal this year? I HAVE to make All-State this year. I made a deal with Veenstra that if I could be excused from 80% of the marching band practices, I would spend extra time playing bassoon. Which I intend to do. But I shouldn't feel like I have to ask permission to audition for a play from Veenstra. He is not in control of me. It's my senior year. I should be able to do what I want to do. I know that I work better when I have more stuff to do. I love being really busy.

This is my senior year. I do what I want. I'm auditioning for the play.

So next year, I will be involved in:

Marching Band, Theatre, Tech Theatre, Church Band, 4 AP Classes, PALs, Making All-State, NHS, Full Orchestra, Key Club, and hopefully something like Higher Dimensions or FCA.

I really hope I enjoy it.

Oh, and I'm REALLY frustrated with CollegeBoard right now.

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The End.

First Blog! Yay!

So this is my first blog! I'm not exactly sure how I want this to work yet. But just so there's not a big empty space on my page, I'll briefly state what I did today.

I deleted my myspace with Jon! Myspace is so stupid...

And I hung out with Jon. :)

I also bought a new planner and started adding all the football games and dates and stuff for the school year. I'm really excited about school now. Mostly all the random student holidays we have and prom and graduation. I can't wait until the Prom/Graduation portion of my life. I'm so ready for high school to be over. But I know that once it is over, I'll wish it wasn't. But hey, that's life.