i've changed. and i don't like it. i'm turning into the wrong person. i want to fix it. but i don't know how.
my emotions have gotten out of control. what happened to the girl that was always happy? the girl who had control of her temper? the girl who cared for others before herself? lately i've been letting really small, stupid things upset me. and i don't know why. i get angry at people way more often. it's harder for me to let go of the anger that i feel towards someone for doing something as simple as cutting me off while i'm driving. i don't understand. and i've been quite the crier this year. i used to never cry. i had no reason to cry. i was tough. i handled things. i let go. i got over it within minutes. now i just dwell and let my emotions fester inside of me and eat me up and then i just explode and usually at the people i love the most. and then i get upset about hurting them and dwell on that and then beat myself up about it. why can't i just be happy again? why do i feel like when i smile i'm just putting on a show for the benefit of others? why do i say "i forgive" when really, i haven't, and i'm still angry?
"when it comes to gossip, I think it's better to have rocks thrown at you then to join in with the people that are throwing them." i read that and it just hit me, i haven't necessarily been gossiping, but i haven't been stopping it. so by not stopping the knife in someone else's hands, i'm allowing it to be stabbed into the back of someone that i might not know, but that i should still care for because they're a person too and God loves them the same as He loves me.
i've been so complacent, lately. i've been searching for a feeling. i've been waiting to FEEL like i'm right with God. because that's all i've ever known is a feeling. but my relationship with God is so much more than a feeling. it's... i can't even describe it. or, that's how it should be at least. lately it feels kind of non existent. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm doubting i'm a christian. i remember the night that i trusted the Lord completely and gave over my life to Him better than any other night of my life. My heart was in it 150%. but Satan's just been pulling at my mind. he's been telling me what i should be as a Christian, and i've been believing him. i was reading a blog and i thought "wow, that's exactly what's happening in my life." i'm listening to Satan and letting him convince me that i'm not a good enough christian because i don't know all of this Bible trivia, because i haven't been a Christian as long as my friends have, because i don't feel "on fire 4 God" like i used to. i'm in a dry spot and i have been for a while. God's been here the whole time, though. i'm just failing to see Him. i've been blind to what's been right in front of me. i want to feel His presence again. i want to see God, feel His arms around me. i want Him to "unveil my eyes so i can see His glory."
or maybe i'm just wanting to want Him. maybe my heart's not in it. but does it matter if my heart's not in it? should i still search and seek and ask even if i feel it's a lie?
my biggest struggle of all is being content. i hate it. i don't feel like i've been bad. i'm okay with the way i've been living my life. i don't feel the need for change. i know i need it. but i wouldn't mind not changing. but as jeremy as said, i am NOT okay. i NEED to change. i can't just become static. i want to flow with the change i need and not try to dam it up and let myself become stagnant. i need God to change my heart, but i can't just wait for God to do it and do nothing while i wait. i know i need to take action. but i don't feel like my heart's in the right place.
what's happened to me?
2 comments:
I know exactly, EXACTLY how you feel. I went through a time in my life exactly like this last year. And you are right - it's not about feelings. And as girls it's hard to come to terms with that, I know. But just in general, Christians get into that mindset, and it's poisoning.
For me, I just felt like I was doing all the right stuff (as I had always done), and not doing anything bad, but not doing anything productive or good either. For me there really wasn't an easy answer. I feel like this from time to time, and the only thing that ever helps is perseverance. As hard as it is and as much as it doesn't "feel" right or I don't "feel" like it helps, just disciplining myself to pray and read the Bible is the only thing that can help. Weeding something out of your life that hinders you, like in Heb. 12:1, also really helps. One thing I've noticed over time is that the things that I watch or listen to or read really do affect me. I may not notice it, but, like it says in "The Answer", I sometimes trade God for things that go away. For example, this summer I tried something whenever I was feeling like this. For a week I "fasted", if you will, from Gilmore Girls, and every time that I felt an urge to watch it or whatever, I would read my Bible and pray instead. I'm not saying this to sound "holy" or whatever, because it was really really hard. But it helped so much. Even thing such as picking out a passage in the Bible and praying it helps so much. The passage that really changed my life is Psalms 119. I never really knew what was so special about it until I started to pray it and desire for it to be true of me and my life. It's all about desiring God's word and wanting for Him to give me LIFE. It's so life-changing and I really encourage you to take a section of like 20 verses or so a day and just pray it sincerely.
Wow, this is longer than I wanted it to be. hahah. But I just wanted to let you know that I'm with ya on this! This isn't an abnormal thing. I'll be praying for you.
Keep in mind this verse...
"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
-Philippians 2:12-13
This verse sums up a lot of the Christian walk. As Christians we have a responsibility to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, no matter whether or not we "feel" it, always seeking Him; but there's a tension between that and the knowledge that it is GOD who works in us, to will and to work for HIS good pleasure. It's not something that I've been able to figure out how to do; simply how to find a balance between the two. Read this post: http://avoidingawkward.com/?post_id=154, and the comments. It sums up everything that I've been trying to say, and people leave good advice in the comment thread. The song "Waiting Room" by Shane and Shane is one that helps define that element of perseverance.
"Lord I know, if I change my mind You will change my heart in time. Sovereign Lord, this time's from You, so I sit in the waiting room in silence, because it's all about You."
I may be a little young, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling like that. I feel EXACTLEY how you do. Reading that post gives me hope that I'm not alone, and that I can over-come it. Realizing it is the first step to fixing the problem.
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